He Said

Abraham Lincoln once wrote that it was better to remain silent and appear a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln does not have a blog. Mostly because he was assassinated in 1865, but also partially because of the other thing. At any rate, Jodi Foster was not impressed.

Ethnographers believe that the earliest blogs were nothing more than men with sandwich boards, wandering the streets prophesying doom. These early blogs smelled marginally worse than the ones we know today, and they strongly discouraged anonymous commenting with the hobo-shanks they sported, often flailing them publicly in a menacing fashion. Since these proto-blogs were 90 percent cheap whiskey by volume, however; those who wished to disagree with a blog simply had to light a match and toss it in the direction of the offending “post”, which would then run screaming down the avenue, his ability to stop and drop thwarted by his drunkenness, and his ability to roll negated by the large sandwich board he was wearing. (Incidently, this process continues to this day, in a slightly abbreviated form. We know it as “flaming”.)

A new era of blogging began when George Washington Carver accidentally invented Wordpress. Since this advanced software package of content management tools did not directly involve the peanut, he quickly sold it to an international consortium for a bag of cashews. This is well-publicized on Wikipedia and um, the Drudge Report, probably.

Perched astride this new era, like Ghandi surfing on a shark’s back, comes my wife–sarahviola. She is often factual, and always satisfactual. (which she totally already knows isn’t a Scrabble-approved legitimate word, so put your matches away!)

Maybe you think there are too many blogs already. Maybe you think you don’t care what she had for lunch. But consider this. When Federal marshals finally cornered John Wilkes Booth in that fateful barn (which was also full of some sort of livestock— many people don’t know this!), he confessed not only to assassinating the president, but also to having stolen the phrase SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS! from somebody’s MySpace quote. Probably your mom’s.

She’s hot, by the way.