Category — Working

I’ve been back in my office for almost two weeks now after a four-month leave of absence. I’m a Designer. A typeface addicted, color theory curious, design history loving, visual communications problem-solving designer. In the super-competitive creative industry, my biggest fear is losing relevance, losing inspiration, losing trust in myself. I thought it was already gone. I never knew that taking four months off to spend with my son would be so good for me

For the past three-ish years, I’ve been more active in a leadership role than in a creative role—which is so rewarding, don’t get me wrong, but not in the same way. Before that, I’d always put my whole heart into my work; building my portfolio, staying inspired, reading, participating, sharing… But lately, it’s been more important for me to put my heart into the people than into my creative work. But I know that at my core, I’m a designer first, a leader second. This is where my passion is.

I should have kept working, kept challenging myself, in my free time for my own sanity. But free time? Wha? Even before I had a baby, by the time I got home from my ten-hour day, the last thing I wanted to do was go back to work after dinner. I was getting married, then I was a newlywed with a new home, then I was pregnant, then I was trying to sell our home… I was so burned out and just exhausted.

And so full of excuses.

Motherhood has given me a real ass-kicking, just in reminding me that I have to let some things go. I can’t be a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter and friend and designer andwriterandhousekeeperandcookandOHMYGOD. I needed to be willing to just let it go. And it’s made me a better person, I think. A better person who sometimes lets people down and has a really messy house and two metric tons of dirty laundry, but still. Better. And more free to do the things that my Type-A personality wouldn’t allow me to do before. I didn’t know how much I needed to be creating, needed to be pushing myself, but I do because it’s good for my soul. I’m trying to take care of myself, make me the best, most emotionally and physically healthy person I can be. This is my resolution.

One month into my marathon maternity leave, I started designing again. Nothing too groundbreaking; a couple logos for friends, a few sarahviola.org headers for myself, an invitation. But DAMN did it feel good to be working again. I mean real, inspired design, not micromanaged putthishere and makethatthiscolor and rotatethisinthatdirection and usethisfont. Design for people who trust me.

Design like this.

It’s been so much fun and so satisfying. I didn’t know if I’d get that back. But I did.

* We’re still working through still a few bugs in Safari! Eeep!

Well, it’s over. I survived. He, of course, was amazingly great all day.

All of your comments really, truly helped me get through it. There were so many different stories, and SO MUCH SUPPORT. I read every single one when I took breaks to pump. (This is my next, most immediate hurdle: my milk supply can’t keep up like this! GO GO GADGET FENUGREEK)

The support made the difference, I felt so much love today. I started getting text messages and emails before the sun came up, and they were still coming as I was on my way to pick up my sweet boy. Thank you so, so much.

My twelve-week maternity leave should have officially ended the first week in December. I found out the Monday before Thanksgiving that I was going to have an extra four weeks (economic crisis, what?) tacked on to my FMLA. I made an arrangement with my boss to return to work slowly, by working from home for a week. I found out Friday (!) that due to a change in circumstances, today was going to be my first day back to work, in the office. Without the working from home part.

A girly friend was going to watch Asher every day when I did go back (WHENEVER THAT ENDED UP BEING), but she had her own change in circumstances last week and isn’t available because she’s moving to the city. Soon. I have babysitting taken care of for the next week, but come next Tuesday I need to have something in place.

So here I am. I wasn’t prepared for today at all. Not emotionally, not logistically. You’d think I would have been, since I had so much time to prepare. But no.

And still, it’s ok. We’ll be ok.

Our clothes are laid out for the morning. His bags are packed, one with diapers and an extra outfit, the other with pumped breastmilk, bottles and a favorite toy. My heart already hurts, because tomorrow, I’m going back to work.

I always planned on returning to work after a respectable maternity leave. Even when I found out that I was pregnant, it was just part of our plan: after our son was born, I’d stay home with him for twelve weeks, and then I’d go back to my job while he went to daycare. I know what you’re saying: I knew she wouldn’t want to go back to work, I knew she wouldn’t want to leave her baby. And I would answer: But I’m not like you.

I love what I do, and I’ve spent many years learning how to do it well. I eat, sleep and breathe design. I knew that I would be bored at home all day, every day. That I would want to go back to work, that I’d reach a point a couple months after he was born where I would really miss art direction, miss the urgency of deadlines, miss interacting with other adults.

And I do.

But nowhere near as much as I already miss my baby knowing that tomorrow, someone else is going to be feeding him, picking him up when he cries, rocking him to sleep, and receiving his smiles.

We’ve never been apart for more than a few hours; tomorrow it will be ten hours before I can hold him in my arms and kiss his soft skin. I can’t imagine driving away from him. I know that I’ll be coming back to him at the end of the day; but will he know that? Will he miss me as much as I miss him?

I don’t know how to do this and be ok. Yet, here I am. It just doesn’t feel right.