Growing Pains
Our clothes are laid out for the morning. His bags are packed, one with diapers and an extra outfit, the other with pumped breastmilk, bottles and a favorite toy. My heart already hurts, because tomorrow, I’m going back to work.
I always planned on returning to work after a respectable maternity leave. Even when I found out that I was pregnant, it was just part of our plan: after our son was born, I’d stay home with him for twelve weeks, and then I’d go back to my job while he went to daycare. I know what you’re saying: I knew she wouldn’t want to go back to work, I knew she wouldn’t want to leave her baby. And I would answer: But I’m not like you.
I love what I do, and I’ve spent many years learning how to do it well. I eat, sleep and breathe design. I knew that I would be bored at home all day, every day. That I would want to go back to work, that I’d reach a point a couple months after he was born where I would really miss art direction, miss the urgency of deadlines, miss interacting with other adults.
And I do.
But nowhere near as much as I already miss my baby knowing that tomorrow, someone else is going to be feeding him, picking him up when he cries, rocking him to sleep, and receiving his smiles.
We’ve never been apart for more than a few hours; tomorrow it will be ten hours before I can hold him in my arms and kiss his soft skin. I can’t imagine driving away from him. I know that I’ll be coming back to him at the end of the day; but will he know that? Will he miss me as much as I miss him?
I don’t know how to do this and be ok. Yet, here I am. It just doesn’t feel right.
37 comments
I’m sorry this day has come, but I am so glad it will soon be over for you.
The only thing he knows is how much you love him and that’s all he really needs. And he loves you so much, too.
Hugs.
I went back to work last week for the first time 5 months. It was the hardest thing I have done in a long time. I hope tomorrow goes smoothly for you both. The first week back was hard, but every day did get (a little bit) easier for me. Good luck!
Oh. I so know how you feel. It’s been 13 years since our first was that age, but reading your words makes me remember it like it was yesterday. It nearly tore my heart out.
I ended up coming back home after 3 months, but I think each mama has to follow her own path, figuring out what works for her. That baby was given to you and not to anyone else, so no matter how your path meanders, he’s gonna be just fine!
I’ll be thinking about you tomorrow!
I won’t lie to you: tomorrow’s going to be really effing hard. But every day it gets easier, I promise. Chin up!
Awwww…. he’s so cute. I saw your tweet and popped over. Prayed just now that God will comfort your heart and give you peace about your decision.
My hubby’s a web designer, and I’m an author, and we work from home. Maybe that’s part of God’s plan for you down the road. Whatever it is, He’ll provide exactly what you–and baby boy–need!
I’m not going to lie. It’s damn hard. The hardest thing you’ll ever do. You will cry. Sob. And worry. But it does get easier. Slowly. And then you won’t cry. You’ll miss him like an em effer, but you won’ t be so sad. You’ll get into a schedule and things will work and you’ll feel much better. Much more confident.
If you need me, I’ll be here tomorrow. Email or call me. I love you!
Love the new site too! The headers change. How COOL is that? So cool. I keep refreshing to see all of them!!!
Much like your Mother and I were forced to see you go off into a world of teachers and babysitters … you too will endure these challenges … and in time overcome your fear and sadness.
Even in the later years of my life, I still worry from day to day about how you and your brother are getting along. In the end, I’m guided a simple faith that with every new day something wonderful just might happen. It happened the day you were born, the day your brother was born, the day you were married and the day Asher William was born, to name just a few … and now I wait for every new day to see what wonderful new experience just might happen in my life.
You will get through tomorrow because you understand that the sooner tomorrow comes, the sooner it will be time for you to go home … and the moment you walk into the room to pick Asher up and see him for the first time, your heart will sing … you will realize you’ve gotten through another day in your life filled with new challenges … but this day will so much more meaning.
… and so it goes.
Love … Dad
I went through this exact same thing with my firstborn. The first day I dropped her off, I sat in the parking lot and CRIED, for a long time. I cried the whole first week. However, it did get easier. And coming home at night was ALWAYS the best- we would both get so excited when we saw each other at the end of the day. HUGS!
hey…i don’t know if this is any consolation but i worked in a daycare for a very long time…specifically…the infant room. and i’ve held many mothers on their first days and i understand that it is hard and so so painful but i hope you know that we absolutely doted on the babies and definitely cuddled, played, fed, changed, loved loved loved on the babies all day….and so even though we’re nothing like mom, i hope you know that your baby will be well taken cared of and of course we welcome visits! and phone calls!
you need to listen to the new darius rucker song…my husband and i were just talking about it….in fact, we might have stopped at best buy on the way home just to get it…it’s called “it won’t be like this for long” ….as painful as this is…you will cherish these moments one day….inconcievable at the moment…but it will happen.
LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS.
Sarah, I will say a prayer this morning that things will go smooth for you. I know how hard it is for you. In time, it will get easier.
I too am very sorry for when this day for moms comes. It’s hard, it hurts but I promise you, it does get easier. I’ll be thinking of you all day and I hope those 10 hours goes by quickly so you can have your little man in your arms again.
PS I love, love, love everything about sarahviola. love.
Love, love, love. I don’t usually say this, but I so know how it feels. It sucks, and if you feel like punching every person who doesn’t have to go to work today, tha’ts normal. (Or maybe it’s not normal and I just have violent tendencies.) I don’t know what your schedule is like or if you will have to pump while away from him, but if you do and ever need any tips, let me know. I pumped at work until Luke was a year old, so I’ve used every trick in the book to keep up with what he was eating. If you need to talk, email. I know how it doesn’t feel right, but in time, you’ll make it more right for yourself, whether that’s finding him a place where he’s happy.. or finding yourself opportunities to work from home, but you can do this. I promise.
I always said I’d be ready to go back after maternity leave, too, but life has a way of kicking you in the face with the unexpected, doesn’t it?
Love the new site, by the way.
Oh, I’m thinking of you today. My hope today is that everything goes so much better than expected.
Steph
Sarah,we all wish we could make this easier for you. Just know that we’re here, toots. Sending you hugs and strength from afar.
I’m thinking of you today. One day at a time…
And you may have the coolest dad around.
Oh Mama, my heart aches for you. many hugs!
What a sweet boy! I hope today goes well and you have an easy transition. Give that cutie a kiss from me, he is SO cute!
The day I went back to work, I sobbed like a baby. My kiddo couldn’t have cared less. It will get better for you and your son will thrive. I hope this week sails by. Stay blessed!
(Much like yourself I always knew I’d go back to work – I didn’t and still don’t have any desire to be a SAHM. Except for those days when I want to smack my boss with a 2×4. And even on those days, I just want a new boss, not a permanent SAHM assignment.)
I totally understand. it is very hard and it does get easier but sometimes its just hard still. It goes up and down for me. But Im happy to hear at least you LOVE your job when I hate mine. HA!
Hang in there. Its wonderful to come and pick up your kids, the wide open smiles and hugs and yelling MOMMY! when you arrive.
Blessings!
Marcea
I have been there and it was painful. The first week probably was a total write off when I was at work as I was so consumed with guilt and fear that my baby needed me. When I look back, I was useless at work as I was so absorbed in my misery of missing my baby. While it never (for me) got easier, I did find comfort (eventually) in knowing that I found the best dayhome mom to care for my son. I experienced bouts of envy in knowing that she was seeing all of the firsts, but I also found that it made me a better mom (again for me) as I appreciated my moments with my son all that much more.
I have been there and it was painful. The first week probably was a total write off when I was at work as I was so consumed with guilt and fear that my baby needed me. When I look back, I was useless at work as I was so absorbed in my misery of missing my baby (babies as I had to go through this again with my second). While it never (for me) got easier, I did find comfort (eventually) in knowing that I found the best dayhome mom to care for my son (and daughter, 2 years later). I experienced bouts of envy in knowing that she was seeing all of the firsts, but I also found that it made me a better mom (again for me) as I appreciated my moments with my children all that much more.
Now I am on the other side of the spectrum: I run a dayhome. Due to our move to a new city, I was unable to find employment, so I am in a way lucky now because I get to be with my children. My heart breaks for the two other moms though that drop their precious loved ones to me each morning. I see the tears in their eyes and I know that it is killing them. But, I have reassured them that I will love their children as much as my own and I do my best to involve them with their children while at work. I provide daily sheets that will share with the parents what we did, what we ate, what their child’s disposition was like, did they poop, to did they nap. I also take many photos and send them to Mom at work to help put a smile on her face. Perhaps you will get this too and it will help you feel a measure of comfort.
Good luck today and I will be thinking of you.
I know it is so, so hard. I hope everything goes as well as it possibly can for you and your sweet boy!
awe, it is so hard, I am thinking about you all day~!
Sara- Good Luck about tomorrow just think at the end of the day you will see your smiling,sweetheart and it will all be ok. Have a good day
I normally don’t write comments when I am at work, but your post compelled me do so as I now sit here crying. It has been 3 and a half years since I first went back to work after a long stint as a stay at home Mom. I had not been on the subway in years and that alone was shocking. I cried everyday from the second I would get out of work until the time I reached home. My glasses would fog up on the train. I would hang my head down so no one would see me although tears would still drip down into plain sight.
It does get easier and I wouldn’t trade me working for anything in the world. It makes me a better Mom and more happy in my life. I feel I can offer more patience to my children when I have not been around them all day.
I have made a rule though that when I am not at work, I am with my kids 100 percent of the time. I don’t waver on that one, non-negotiable. You want me over for dinner, the kids are coming. We are a packaged deal. It does get easier as each day passes but I can still remember vividly how overcme with emotions I was for the first few weeks. You will be fine but allow yourself time to cry and feel the loss of that special time that you had with your son.
Everyone used to tell me it is harder for the mom than it is for the child. As long as there are loving hands to care for him, he will thrive and make it through the change. Focus on the kind of mother you want to be when you are with him and don’t count the time when you are away. Besides kids that are away from their parents develop more independance and that is a very positive.
Good luck, you will get through it!
Sadie
It WILL be a hard day but each day will get easier. I PROMISE. I left AEK to go back to work when she was 13 weeks old – she’s almost a year now. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done but at the same time, it is the best thing for her, for me and for our family. Working makes me a better mother. AEK gets things at school that I could NEVER give her – significant social interaction with peers, art, music. etc.
The next few days will be hard but I have a feeling that you will enjoy being back in a routine and things will soon be much easier!
I too am a daycare provider. And I must tell you, you are not alone. No matter how long you have been home with your child, leaving them for the first time, or again, is not an easy feat.
Good luck! (And it gets easier, I promise!)
Hi Sarah,
I came over from I should be Folding Laundry. My plan is to return to work to but when that day comes I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to do it. I hope you have a great first day back. Good Luck.
i’m here from beth’s blog. how my heart aches reading your words. hope that the day went better than expected & your reunion was glorious!!
and seriously, how great is your dad?!
best wishes to you.
You rock. And I’m sure little A did great. Oh, and your Dad rocks too. But we knew all of that already…. Love you!
This day arrived for me too for each of my 3 children and it never got easier. Something that the baby books didn’t cover. After a week or so, you’ll be able to accept this as another part of the process. You’re showing by example to your son how to be a productive, responsible contributor to society. That’s a valuable gift! What a great mom you’re turning into!
Hi there! I came to you via Beth’s blog. You and I are in the same boat, sister. I went back to work this morning, too. My girls are a bit older, and I am going back after taking a year off, but I still know the heartache. I also remember my first day back when my youngest was little. I cried, she cried, and then it all kept getting easier and better. Now they’re 6 and 4, and are happy, balanced, loved little squirts.
Consider yourself hugged from another working mama that loves her job, but hates to leave. We mama’s have to support each other in these situations. You’re doing the right thing for you and your family right now… believe that and be confident that your little guy still feels all that love from you. My goodness he’s a cute one!
I’ll be thinking about you!
Oh, and you’re Dad’s comment left me teary. That’s true Daddy/Daughter love.
I feel for you. I, too, had to drop off my little one at 12 weeks. even though I worked out a deal that I would only go to the office two days a week. my heart sunk and I cried. I missed him so much. It does get better. I promise.
You little boy is beautiful! I hope your day went quickly. It is very hard leaving a little one. As Christy said, it is hard and there is only one way to get through it…one hour at a time. It will get easier as time goes on, but it will be awhile.
I am sure you have found the best possible place full of caring people for him. He knows you love him. I am sure that you are loving on him right now! Enjoy your time with him.
So rough. It does get a little easier the more you do it but it still isn’t fun to leave your baby. I had to do this for 6 months of my first born’s life before I can home full time and I remember the aching in my heart. Even though he was fine I wasn’t. HUGS!
Nell
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