April Fools: or, ClearBlue Easy my ass.

Sunday night I took a pregnancy test. And lo, it was positive.

I always have a few on hand, just for the heck of it. I buy them in 2- and 3-packs, because they’re cheaper that way. Because I’m not ‘regular’ I take a test every couple months or so, just to make sure that all’s good in the hood. Last night, on my way to bed, I thought, “What the heck.” Seemed like as good a time as any, right? I sure as hell wasn’t expecting 2 blue lines to appear…

The kicker was, that since I practically buy these things in bulk, I ditch the boxes and store the sticks in the hall closet. Usually on the package there are directions (1. pee on stick; 2. weep with a: joy or b: fear) and some infographics explaining the windows. But oh no, not on these generic wonders. So, two lines appear and I have to Google to find out what they mean.

My first reaction: “Whoa. Hey Mark, want to see something interesting?” He’ll never let me live that one down. Clearly I wasn’t thinking. And now, I’ll never be able to say, “Want to see something interesting?” with a straight face. So anyway. The math didn’t add up, and neither did the fact that I’ve been on the pill forever. I had another test (or four) in the closet (of course) but couldn’t produce until the morning. Did I let that stop me from convincing myself that I was pregnant? Nope.

It was going to be a long night.

Reality sets in, and the first order of business is to keep my dinner in my stomach. I’m trying to figure out how I’m going to get any sleep, and I think, “I know! Benadryl! Benadryl will help me sleep!! Shit! I can’t take Benadryl, what about MY BAAAAYBEEEE!!” …so you have an idea of where this was headed.

Some of the things running through my head:

1. The timing is all wrong. What about school? And our post-anniversary vacation? This isn’t how we were planning to do this…
2. I haven’t been taking vitamins! Or folic acid! Or any of the things my doctor told me I needed to do before getting pregnant!
3. Squee! A baby!
4. So much for attaining that pre-baby body I hoped I’d have. Damn.
5. All (three of) our moms are going to freak!
6. Oh man oh man oh man ohmanohmanohman.
7. Yay maternity clothes! And names?!! WE HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!

So in that hour before sleep, we moved out of ‘freaked’ and into ‘excited’. It didn’t make sense to me, how we could have gotten pregnant, but weirder things have happened. Things were making sense: my swollen fingers, sore body, my need to look at baby books at Borders last weekend (?) (yeah, I don’t know either), my super-sensitive emotions.

I slept for a couple hours, woke up at 5 a.m. and took another test. This one was negative. I guess I wasn’t surprised (back to the math), but at the same time, I was so sure that I was pregnant based on that one test, that for a second it felt like something was taken away from me.

Right now, I’m not sure if I’m more disappointed or relieved. Our old ’scheduling’ plans are still on track, and they’re not that far off, and now I can do the things I wanted to do in order to be healthy. But still, for those hours, we were looking forward to it sooner than later.

*Edited to add: Best two out of three tests says Not Pregnant. Better luck next time! Well, maybe not next time…